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Do you want to hear a joke?

In I’m a Councillor we ask all the councillors to tell us a joke. It turns out everyone loves this bit of the councillors’ profiles, so we thought we would gather them all here together, for your delight and delectation…

Zone Councillor Joke
Buckinghamshire County Council Steve Adams Erm … maybe I’ll show you my university dissertation someday. That was a bit of a joke.
Ruth Vigor-Hedderly Best ever blonde Joke…A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says “please come over here and help me. I have a killer Jigsaw puzzle and I cannot figure out how to get started.” Her boyfriend asks “what is it supposed to be when it is finished?” The blonde says “according to the picture on the box it is a rooster.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle, so she lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box then turns to her and says, “first of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says secondly, “I want you to relax, lets have a nice cup of tea” and then says with a deep sigh “LETS PUT ALL THE CORNFLAKES BACK IN THE BOX.” No offence meant to blondes! – I am one of them.
Niknam Hussain ‘The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.’ (With thanks to the late great Ronnie Barker)
Marion Clayton How did the elephant get down from the tree? He sat on a leaf and waited for autumn.
Coventry County Council Rachel Lancaster You would think that if you pulled a snail’s shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish!
Lynnette Kelly The Queen was lying in bed one night. She pulled the sheet right up to her neck and shouted “Phillip, look at me, I’m a stamp.”
Kevin Foster -
Jim O’Boyle I’ve just come back from a once in a lifetiem holiday. I tell you what. Never again!
Ed Ruane Amy Winehouse – her surname is beginning to sound like a description of her liver.
David Skinner -
Darlington Borough Council Lee Vasey There were two muffins in an oven, one said to the other ‘boy its hot in here’ and the other muffin in shock said ‘a talking muffin’.
Kate Davies What’s the difference between soldiers and firemen? You can’t dip a fireman in your boiled egg!!!!
Joe Lyonette What’s round and red and totally invisible to the human eye?……No tomatoes!!!
Dorothy Long The marvellous thing about mobile phones is that wherever you are, whatever you are doing, you can keep them switched off so no one will bother you.
Anne-Marie Curry A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, “My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?” “Your dog is cross eyed, oh but I will have to put him down” “Why” said the man. “Because he is heavy”
Alex Nicholson -
Dumfries and Galloway Council Ted Brown A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says “I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband” The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?” The old woman replies “Ji 5″ to which the man says “You wont get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok” so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid” He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again. The man then reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale”
Sandra McDowall I seldom remember jokes but my grandson, aged five, told me this one recently. “What did the biscuit say when it was run over by a car?” Oh, crumbs!
Jane Maitland -
Elaine Murray A man bought an old lamp in an antique shop and cleaned it when he got home. A genie appeared and offered to grant him 3 wishes. “I want to a be a millionaire” said the man, and £1m appeared in his bank account. “I want a fast car” he said – and a Ferrari appeared outside his house. “I want to be irresistable to women” he said for his final wish – and instantly was transformed into a box of chocolates.
Alastair Witts What did Freud(psychologist)say comes between fear and sex?Funf!(German numbers)
Forest of Dean District Council Marion Winship Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because the parrots ‘eat em all!
Len Lawton I really shouldnt all mine are way to dirty.
Jane Horne -
Di Martin Have you heard about the Magic Tractor? It turned into a Field!!!!
Bruce Hogan Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
Andrew Gardiner -
Wigan Council Sean Ell So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
Paul Tushingham What do sheep love eating? ……………… Chocolate Baaaas
James Cowley -
Gary Wilkes Paddy said to Murphy “set the alarm for 5 in the morning” Murphy replies” don’t be stupid there is only 2 of us”

Comments

  • Photo: KevinKevin commented:

    My joke is now on-line. Kevin Foster (Coventry) Pupil: Would you punish me for something I did not do? Teacher: No of course not. Pupil: Thats great because I did not do my Homework!

  • Photo: jupex123jupex123 commented:

    boring

  • Photo: xabigailxxabigailx commented:

    I love that blonde jokes, no offence to any blondes though! I think they are soo funny!

  • Photo: commented:

    Check out my page i’m putting a new “broadcastable” joke on every day

  • Photo: ronnieronnie commented:

    did u hear about the frog that was illegaly parked it got toad

  • Photo: ronnieronnie commented:

    im not saying my wife has bad cooking but were the only people in the street wich our bin has a mouth ulser

  • Photo: ronnieronnie commented:

    a man walks into a bar with a giraffe, the bar man says u cant leave that lying there, then the man says it not a lion its a giraffe.

  • Photo: alixwalixw commented:

    i love the jokes

  • Photo: sammysweetysammysweety commented:

    what do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

    A woolly jumper!!

  • Photo: dalitsodalitso commented:

    I like the blonde one with the girlfriend and boyfriend!!!

  • Photo: abbsabbs commented:

    What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light?
    Don’t look, i’m changing!

  • Photo: jpaylorjpaylor commented:

    the joke’s are so so boring *yawn* terrible

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